i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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