help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
