So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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