i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
