these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
