My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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