I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
