Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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