Im at strip club and am horny
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
