I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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