Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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