can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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