Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
