It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
