I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
