I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
