So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
