why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
