Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
