I wish I could teleport
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
