We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
