I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i out mim tonsoeep
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