If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize