Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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