Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
