theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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