Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
