I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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