I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
