I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
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