can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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