when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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