Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
