i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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