I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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