He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
