if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
