Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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