Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
