Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
