it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so let's talk penis.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
