woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
