We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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