And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
