I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
