party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish my penis had a tongue
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we're making bets on your personal life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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