I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
