I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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