I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
