Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
