Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize