i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
