At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
