just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize