You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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