I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
