My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
