i can't believe i had my finger in that
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
