Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
