so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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